Recently I’ve learned that we don’t get the justice we think we deserve or even imagine.
I was shocked recently to find out about the sudden death of someone who had a huge impact on my whole life. Huge impact meaning traumatic impact. My abuser.
Over the past two years, I’ve been working hard on staying sober and delving deep into that trauma.
Part of that was picturing what justice looked liked for me.
The sudden death of my abuser meant the loss of everything I had still planned.
I had such a deep sense of grieve for my child. They had to let all of that go. Find a way to be with this new reality. And my adult self had to find a way to tell her it was okay.
I had thoughts of “what if I had gotten sober quicker and I could have spoken up and out sooner”..basically blaming myself for taking so long.
This self-blame is my old self. Tied up in shame for not being able to speak up has always been something I’ve had trouble dealing with. Shame is squirmy in the body it makes it doubly hard to speak about because of that. It is one big reason I kept drinking.
I certainly know now that it was not my fault and I have no part in the blame for what happened.
So already this is the year of endings. I am learning so much with this one.
I’ve had such wonderful support from a few who know the situation and I’m very grateful for that support and those words. I’m grateful I have a therapist who I can be myself with.
Innocence was not lost
It was not stolen
I put it in the tress
That leaned over me
And asked them to mind it
Until you had finished
I’m learning that there is learning in everything as long as you are living. And for me living means being drink and drug free.
I’m enjoying seeing more light in the evenings and the cold dry weather. Spring is in the air.
The comfort of the trees nearby.
Taking things very much still one day at a time.