Over the last few days, I’ve had this sense of fault.
A dread like breathlessness clinging onto my heart and lungs.
Like I’ve been wrong about something. Something huge.
I’ve been crying. Crying while making tea, crying while watching t.v, crying at therapy.
Tears have just flowed on the spot.
Uncontrollable grief.
Ya see something has shifted or is shifting and it is deep down in my gut.

I believe it’s incredibly common for people who have been abused to blame themselves. But I believed I was different.

I thought I did do something wrong. I thought my abuse was so unique from others because of the set of circumstances.
That I had to be at fault.
Close in age, close in family, me keeping the secret.
Surely some of the blame lay with me…
I feel like there are layers to be shed. This is a new one.

I am sad and mad the person who abused me is dead.
Because I want to confront them now and look them in the face.
For so long I could not even imagine doing this.
I had begun to imagine it. I had made a start.
I don’t know where that would have gone.
I know for me when restorative justice was spoken about some time ago and having the chance to sit in the same room as the abuser and speak to them that I didn’t shriek at this idea.
For sure it’s not for everyone and should only ever be done by choice and consent but I would have liked to have done that.

I’m over 2 and a half years drink and drug-free(990 days today) and at the same time going to therapy weekly. And I am bereft with grief over how much I blamed myself.
I have realised when I’m triggered it’s a very easy feeling to fall back into this blame. Then it becomes a cycle that I feel comfortable with. I want this pattern to stop or at least lessen!
So I’m recognising it. Saying hello to it. Investigating. And finding a way to nurture it. Be softer to me.
I am trying to love myself through this process.

Next month I will begin studying again. It’s my first opportunity to study as sober me.
I’ve decided to do addiction studies and have been accepted at NUI Maynooth. I am so excited about this opportunity and where it might lead to. Anything is possible.
A couple of weeks ago I celebrated my 46th birthday and the joy and gratitude I feel lives on.
I am grateful every day for my sobriety.
For the family and friends who love and support me.
To you for reading this.
Love and light to you on your journey.

Worthy of care!

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