Its been 260 days since ive had a drink containing alcohol, a joint or a cigarette. I am feeling the benefits in so many ways physically and mentally.
One of the most challenging aspects of sobriety for me personally is socializing especially in a pub/club venue where the majority of people will be partaking in the consumption of alcohol. Do not get me wrong its not about them partaking its my heightened state that im feeling.Aware of everything fully.In some ways yes its glorious and in some yes its scary as anything. I have to feel really strong in myself and really want to show up in the pub/club.
Last night I ventured out with a friend to a nearby city to see a band that i really love. Ive seen them numerous times always under the influence of alcohol or marijuana or both. I have also seen them in this place a little over a year ago under the influence of both. Two very different experiences!!
When i was drinking i really cared about my next drink so much or my next cigarette. So that took away a lot of my concentration on the sounds and people around me. Whereas last night i was fully present. Fully present to everything good and bad. To the people at the front who where rowdy and singing and talking through a lot of the songs..to the beautiful people id seen before at a vegan eatery in the city.. But mostly i was fully aware and present to the music.Which is why i chose to go out and be sociable. The music and the incredible voices a few feet away. My heart open my eyes closed i fell into it and enjoyed it with every breath. I did not want for anything or anyone. Fully present. Fully alive.
This is what my sobriety had brought me. And everyday im thankful.
So in the past week i have gone through a transformation of sorts.
It all started at therapy a week ago on Monday. I was asked if id like to be a man and then if i felt like a woman? I said NO to both! Have never been asked those questions but often thought about them. It was really liberating and it brought a sense of easy in my body an openness i did not feel before. And the ease continued….
The followng day i had a concert(P!nk)to go to with friends and was nervous about being the only one not drinking!How I would fit in.Was no pressure at all to have a drink. And i felt a real sense of fun and power not needing or wanting any alcohol.Looking at strangers fall about the place and buying the limit of 6 drinks per person at the concert did not make me want to start drinking again thats for sure.
One of the most enjoyable parts was having my make up done by one of my best friends. It didn’t feel like i was having makeup done as a woman. It felt different from other times. And by others reactions I looked different too. Glowing was used on a few occasions.
Make-up or no make up I feel better in my own skin.The most ok i have ever felt. Ive learned that am in this body for such a short time we all are!The fact that i do not feel like any gender and that i realize i never ever did, sits really well with me. I always thought i had to do something about not feeling like either gender but really all i had to do was recognize it. Hold it. And love that part of myself.
Decided to start writing down my experiences of this sober journey..So in the past I have attempted to quit alcohol but always for other people and never for myself. On January 5th of this year i quit again with a great sense of “sick of feeling sick” On that day I also quit nicotine and weed!
My body was breathless upon walking up my own stairs. Morning was received with no joy only dread about how hungover i felt. No matter how much i drank i always wanted to drink more. And if i could then i would.
I decided early on against labeling myself and to use whatever resources i find helpful to me on this journey. I can say today wholeheartedly I never want to drink again. I truly believe that alcohol not only numbed my body and mind from feelings of suppressed pain but also of joy and light. Its been 143 days today. Im never going back. Its not easy to be Irish living in Ireland and not drink! A lot has changed in my life since i stopped.A lot has changed for the better.
If your reading this and on a similar journey i hope we can exchange stories and share the light of soberness. If your reading this and wondering about not drinking for a while id really encourage you to try it.
Its truly life changing.