On Endings.2

I did seek and hope to find love in lockdown on a dating app!!
I found someone in another country half the world away about to move here!
I wanted to write about what I learned about myself throughout the 4 months.
All I can write about is myself as per all my posts.

My feelings are big and often intense, and there is nothing wrong with that!!
Trust is harder for me in a relationship if I’m lied too at all. But I’ve learned I will try and forgive and move on trust again and give another chance to something I thought could work.

Before in a relationship, I would always blow off some steam by consuming alcohol or smoke or both, being in recovery means I don’t want to chose to do this. When things did get difficult I did think about having a drink of course. I understand now why they say in the programme not to have a romantic relationship for your first two years sober,it is sound advice.

I needed to find ways to breathe and have space in other ways, set boundaries and have those boundaries respected.
I’ve learned that I am open to the possibility of love.
I am brave and strong and willing to believe one day I might meat someone again.
I can show up, be intimate and vulnerable.
I am 100% not perfect nor ever like being told I am.
I am capable of being the first person to say sorry.
I do not like a conflict in any way and I will want to run far away from it. More work needed here for sure!
I do recognise red flags and when they keep occurring.
I am willing to put my own needs first even if that means hurting another person. Which is huge for me.

I know now what love bombing is and am thankful on how to recognise it..
I’ve learned that even though I decided to end it I am still left with grief. Even though this person was not right for me.
Being so close with someone for this length of time and sober means I am going to miss them. I’m allowing all these feelings and trying not to judge myself for any of them.

I am proud of myself for not drinking throughout this experience. Would have been so wasteful.
My recovery is the most important thing.
I am thankful for all I have learned and for being open to learning and loving.
Thanks for reading.

Keep shining🙏🌈💖

One of my favourites!
Yes to this!
Knowing how to hold space is so very important!

On Endings

Recently I’ve learned that we don’t get the justice we think we deserve or even imagine. 

I was shocked recently to find out about the sudden death of someone who had a huge impact on my whole life. Huge impact meaning traumatic impact. My abuser.

Over the past two years, I’ve been working hard on staying sober and delving deep into that trauma.

Part of that was picturing what justice looked liked for me. 

The sudden death of my abuser meant the loss of everything I had still planned.

I had such a deep sense of grieve for my child. They had to let all of that go. Find a way to be with this new reality. And my adult self had to find a way to tell her it was okay.

I had thoughts of “what if I had gotten sober quicker and I could have spoken up and out sooner”..basically blaming myself for taking so long. 

This self-blame is my old self. Tied up in shame for not being able to speak up has always been something I’ve had trouble dealing with. Shame is squirmy in the body it makes it doubly hard to speak about because of that. It is one big reason I kept drinking.

 I certainly know now that it was not my fault and I have no part in the blame for what happened. 

So already this is the year of endings. I am learning so much with this one. 

I’ve had such wonderful support from a few who know the situation and I’m very grateful for that support and those words. I’m grateful I have a therapist who I can be myself with. 


Innocence was not lost

It was not stolen

I put it in the tress

That leaned over me 

And asked them to mind it

Until you had finished 

I’m learning that there is learning in everything as long as you are living. And for me living means being drink and drug free.

I’m enjoying seeing more light in the evenings and the cold dry weather. Spring is in the air.

The comfort of the trees nearby. 

Taking things very much still one day at a time. 

Keep Shining!

Continue reading