On Endings.2

I did seek and hope to find love in lockdown on a dating app!!
I found someone in another country half the world away about to move here!
I wanted to write about what I learned about myself throughout the 4 months.
All I can write about is myself as per all my posts.

My feelings are big and often intense, and there is nothing wrong with that!!
Trust is harder for me in a relationship if I’m lied too at all. But I’ve learned I will try and forgive and move on trust again and give another chance to something I thought could work.

Before in a relationship, I would always blow off some steam by consuming alcohol or smoke or both, being in recovery means I don’t want to chose to do this. When things did get difficult I did think about having a drink of course. I understand now why they say in the programme not to have a romantic relationship for your first two years sober,it is sound advice.

I needed to find ways to breathe and have space in other ways, set boundaries and have those boundaries respected.
I’ve learned that I am open to the possibility of love.
I am brave and strong and willing to believe one day I might meat someone again.
I can show up, be intimate and vulnerable.
I am 100% not perfect nor ever like being told I am.
I am capable of being the first person to say sorry.
I do not like a conflict in any way and I will want to run far away from it. More work needed here for sure!
I do recognise red flags and when they keep occurring.
I am willing to put my own needs first even if that means hurting another person. Which is huge for me.

I know now what love bombing is and am thankful on how to recognise it..
I’ve learned that even though I decided to end it I am still left with grief. Even though this person was not right for me.
Being so close with someone for this length of time and sober means I am going to miss them. I’m allowing all these feelings and trying not to judge myself for any of them.

I am proud of myself for not drinking throughout this experience. Would have been so wasteful.
My recovery is the most important thing.
I am thankful for all I have learned and for being open to learning and loving.
Thanks for reading.

Keep shining🙏🌈💖

One of my favourites!
Yes to this!
Knowing how to hold space is so very important!

800 Days!!!!

Today we celebrate our patron Saint of Ireland St.Patrick!
However we are still under a level 5 lockdown so will be no actual parades, no drinking in pubs and so on.
Not drinking in a pandemic is hard. So today is just another day for me. It is hard because as is the same for most people all the normal things in life do not exist right now like work, travelling to see family, seeing friends, going to the gym or swim. All the supports that had been put in place. So other supports have had to be found to stay sober.
Breaking up has also been so so hard. Still feeling and going through the pain of that right now. And what I’ve found I can do about it is nothing. Like everything else just have to go through it. What I have had to remind myself is my feelings are valid. I tend to sometimes lessen my feelings because in this situation it was my choice. But it doesn’t matter, the pain and the hurt is no greater or less. It cannot be measured. I have to forgive myself and feel all the feelings surrounding this loss and not pick up a drink.
I have thought about alcohol more than ever. It is the numbing effect I crave. I have had to choose daily to stay sober. Remind me of all the hard work that I have done to get here. Here being to know me this much, to know myself in this body and not to hate it. I read recently “your body is your ally build it up don’t knock it down and treat it with kindness”

I have now had 800 days in a row of no drink, drugs or nicotine. Even if I do sometimes think about drinking this really is the best life. My best life. I really love being sober and present. The feelings might be tough at times but the benefits far outweigh the challenges.

I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy recently with my inner child. Letting them know they are safe now. Taking their hand walking, sometimes carrying them through past trauma. I never realised how vital this work is until now. I guess it is mothering my inner child maybe befriending them too. It maybe sounds cliched to some and that’s okay. But for me its work I need to do to stay sober, to feel safe, to live fully in my body. I have now been going to somatic therapy for two years. Probably over 100 sessions! That’s dedication! Mostly I want to go, although last week I did not. Sometimes showing up to do the work is exhausting and I feel a bit resentful. So I show up and tell my therapist this and cry and get it out. And I don’t always feel better afterwards but I always feel like I’ve worked on something that has needed time. And in therapy, it is the time its the one hour a week I can be so so vulnerable and safe. I’m thankful to have found a great therapist that I can safely do the work with. How precious.

Taking my child by the hand..

I’m meditating daily and I do still try to do a 5km a day walk. Both help me so so much to stay grounded, mindful, thankful for all I have, healthy and to breathe more easily. I have also done a lot of nothing in the past week. I have had to be still and just feel it all. Sometimes this is the hardest thing and sometimes I’m self-critical and tell myself to get up and get out and stop crying!! However, we can NOT pick and chose when we feel grief and for what(it could be really old like intergenerational for example) It’s so important to be gentle with ourselves… Grief comes like waves. It does not care about how much time has passed…
I hope as you read this YOU are well and thank you for reading.

Keep Shining🙏🌈💚

Learning to swim

Walking Amidst the Trees

Loss During Lockdown

I wrote the following having seen a post on social media looking for artist of all kinds to contribute to a newspaper(which tunred into a Zine)called The Stange Times

I knew i wanted to write something but i wasent sure what i would write about. Within a couple of days our beloved Star passed away and so naturally i wrote about her.

Star was no ordinary dog.

She was Star in name and Star by nature.
When my son and I made the move over 13 years ago from Drogheda to Co.Clare we knew we had to have a dog in our lives.
After seeing an advert in the local health food store: “Good homes wanted for puppies” we called the number!!
We met about 7 puppies in a barn with the mum and a donkey!! We will never forget the moment all the beautiful  pups ran to us and said hello. But one in particular was the friendliest and jumped and played with my son the most out of all the pups. Any preconceived notions about having a boy pup gone!!Because this one was a girl!!
When the time was right we collected her, when she was old enough to leave her mum!!
We noticed around the heart area she had white star shaped fur and so thats what we called her.
And so our journey began together.

She traveled on Luke’s lap in a box filled with straw! And from the moment we got her she traveled and moved everywhere with us!
One of those journeys was up to meet other family members.On one of those visits we visited with my sister and her son. Star was out in the garden and when she came back in the door we noticed she had something in her mouth! We realized she had found a dummy(soother) in the garden and it was in her mouth the proper way round!!!!

She was always making us laugh with her ways. Always wanting a stick on a walk and going for the biggest one in the woods so taking our legs out as she ran by us. Recently these sticks became treasure and she would bring the sticks all the way on her walk until got to car then try take it into foot well of car with her!!No matter how big or small the stick was she insited it come with her!!

She equally loved a ball with passion. Leaping and bounding and catching them from the sky. During her lifetime a lot of tennis balls was had!! I found 6 while cutting the grass in garden recently!!
She loved her food too of course. She would follow anyone into the kitchen in her own home or others. If cooking was happening she lay on the floor observing and waiting to be given something or waiting for something to fall on the floor so she could hoover it up!!
Once during a family barbecue she stole a piece of chicken on a stick straight from the hand of my nephew while he was busy chatting!!

Everyone who met Star loved her. And she loved them. She taught us how to open our hearts. To love unconditionally. And to be loved unconditionally.
To be excited over the little things like putting shoes on,picking up a collar,saying the word “sausages!” or “stick”or “ball”…that life was to be lived and loved and shared. She gave her stick or ball to all she met she was unselfish in the most wonderful wonderful ways.

As i sit and write this in these strange times,tears flow freely down my face.
Our beloved Star passed away on Saturday 25/4/20
Strange times have turned into stranger times.
Her bed is empty. Her water bowl empty. Our home is empty of her. A bone,a ball, many sticks remain in the garden untouched since Saturday.

The imprints she made in our hearts remains.
In the felt sense that we knew her, we loved her,and she loved us.So much.

Cherish every moment.

Love fiercely because one day it will all change.

This we know to be true now more than ever.

As a pup and in old age!!
That time she found a dummy in the garden!!