Coming Home

Just 16 days into my sobriety I reached out to a somatic therapist whose small flyer I saw at the place I worked at the time. It was on the notice board that I placed many posters on and took many down myself and well never noticed it before!!
It amazes me how quickly I reached out. From the flyer which was more like what you might imagine being an osteopath advert(it included a picture of a spine) I just felt this would be for me. A different kind of therapy than the usual talk kind.
One month and one day after giving up alcohol nicotine and weed, I went to my first session. And I’ve been going weekly ever since.
I believe I am a testament to therapy working. And I believe in this kind of therapy being so so beneficial for those who have suffered trauma.
I had a huge revelation lately that I wanted to share here and it was this.
When I was young it felt like something bad was inflicted upon me and it got stuck someplace in my body.. it manifested in various ways but mostly in ways of me feeling bad about myself through no fault of my own. This is not just something I feel, I know others who have been abused may identify with it also.
I have never been able to put it into such words before alas because I feel like it came from a place of feeling into my power. Sitting right into that strength in my own body feeling. Which is very new to me despite how I may appear to carry myself!
You see I am letting all that shit go, all that bad. It was never mine to carry around and carry for so so long. It has not and is not a decision I came to as in”I have decided to let it go and therefore I can”!
If only it was that simple then it would be long gone!!
No, my freedom is coming from the very thing that the trauma was done against and felt stuck in. My freedom is coming from my own body and my own power.
Not my mind from lack of thoughts or from time healing anything nope…But from my body where I feel and felt everything. I can finally say well shout actually fucking ROAR even
“I am coming home” to myself AND my body feels like it is becoming a WHOLE body again. Not cut off anymore.
The hard work is paying off. The uncomfortableness, squirminess, shamefulness, the sitting it out and reaching right down into it and not fucking running away is paying off. The hours spent on the sofa the hours spent driving with a dread in my belly sometimes to and from is paying off!
Loving myself and embracing myself through this process has been the biggest test. When all the ugly truths came up and continue to come up, staying with it is so so tough. But I am learning it’s possible and worth it.
I am very lucky and very thankful to have found my therapist. A safe person and a safe space. I can truly be myself in tears or in laughter and not feel judged in any way. My higher power has truly provided for me. I wish this for everyone who is searching for a therapist right now and I wish you so so well on your journey.
Thank you for reading and keep shining.🙏🌈💞

Love this quote ❤
Be patient with you💞

800 Days!!!!

Today we celebrate our patron Saint of Ireland St.Patrick!
However we are still under a level 5 lockdown so will be no actual parades, no drinking in pubs and so on.
Not drinking in a pandemic is hard. So today is just another day for me. It is hard because as is the same for most people all the normal things in life do not exist right now like work, travelling to see family, seeing friends, going to the gym or swim. All the supports that had been put in place. So other supports have had to be found to stay sober.
Breaking up has also been so so hard. Still feeling and going through the pain of that right now. And what I’ve found I can do about it is nothing. Like everything else just have to go through it. What I have had to remind myself is my feelings are valid. I tend to sometimes lessen my feelings because in this situation it was my choice. But it doesn’t matter, the pain and the hurt is no greater or less. It cannot be measured. I have to forgive myself and feel all the feelings surrounding this loss and not pick up a drink.
I have thought about alcohol more than ever. It is the numbing effect I crave. I have had to choose daily to stay sober. Remind me of all the hard work that I have done to get here. Here being to know me this much, to know myself in this body and not to hate it. I read recently “your body is your ally build it up don’t knock it down and treat it with kindness”

I have now had 800 days in a row of no drink, drugs or nicotine. Even if I do sometimes think about drinking this really is the best life. My best life. I really love being sober and present. The feelings might be tough at times but the benefits far outweigh the challenges.

I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy recently with my inner child. Letting them know they are safe now. Taking their hand walking, sometimes carrying them through past trauma. I never realised how vital this work is until now. I guess it is mothering my inner child maybe befriending them too. It maybe sounds cliched to some and that’s okay. But for me its work I need to do to stay sober, to feel safe, to live fully in my body. I have now been going to somatic therapy for two years. Probably over 100 sessions! That’s dedication! Mostly I want to go, although last week I did not. Sometimes showing up to do the work is exhausting and I feel a bit resentful. So I show up and tell my therapist this and cry and get it out. And I don’t always feel better afterwards but I always feel like I’ve worked on something that has needed time. And in therapy, it is the time its the one hour a week I can be so so vulnerable and safe. I’m thankful to have found a great therapist that I can safely do the work with. How precious.

Taking my child by the hand..

I’m meditating daily and I do still try to do a 5km a day walk. Both help me so so much to stay grounded, mindful, thankful for all I have, healthy and to breathe more easily. I have also done a lot of nothing in the past week. I have had to be still and just feel it all. Sometimes this is the hardest thing and sometimes I’m self-critical and tell myself to get up and get out and stop crying!! However, we can NOT pick and chose when we feel grief and for what(it could be really old like intergenerational for example) It’s so important to be gentle with ourselves… Grief comes like waves. It does not care about how much time has passed…
I hope as you read this YOU are well and thank you for reading.

Keep Shining🙏🌈💚

Learning to swim

Walking Amidst the Trees