The Struggle Is Real.

Getting sober is one thing but staying sober is another.

And staying sober during a pandemic is another

Right now I’m finding it tough.
I have had many urges to get wasted recently.
I have cried myself to sleep with the pain of grief and letting go.
I am healing and its hard and vulnerable.
Part of me does want to run away and numb it all you know?

When the majority of people think someone is so hero-like, but to you they where someone who hurt you, that is so tough.
My truth is not reflected back to me.


This requires so much self-love and care. To NOT take it on board and NOT feel shame and blame around it.
And in those times I do feel shame and blame around it to just feel it, allow it and process it.

In therapy, it feels like going over the same stuff sometimes. The same trauma. However, it is different because of its different layers and each time I am trusting my body more and more. It knows what to do and what it needs to do. Somatic work is huge and I continue to learn what it means each time I show up.
So much letting go recently in my life and its challenging and feels raw.

I just checked on my app and today its 780 days of not drinking or smoking anything. It is a huge achievement. And one I needed to read just now.
I can’t go to a real AA meeting in person but I know I need to go to an online one. Pull in on all the resources that I still have available.
I’m writing this for those struggling today. I am too.
And I see you and all I can say is just hold on for today because that is what I’m going to do.
My truth and my voice(just like yours) are just as important now as then when I couldn’t speak up and out.
I am learning and growing in my power amid all the tears and pain, healing is happening.

I am thankful to have the Fairy Woods close.
Today.

Thanks for reading

*Keep Shining* 🙏🌈💖

One Day At a Time.. Especially Now!!

Been an age since i last wrote here and felt inspired with everything going on right now. Well mainly with this pandemic. Every thing feels different,unsure, uncertain, unknown right?

Right now im glad i have 14 months sobriety and mostly i feel strong in myself emotionally, mentally and physically. If i began to think about all the unknowns around this pandemic than sure my head will spin out of control and go down an unhealthy rabbit hole.That does not mean i dont give myself the space to fell what im feeling i just try to do so in my body and not my mind. For example am i fearful of not being able to work for a while due to the cafes and so on all being closed? Yes i feel fear around it and so i allow it. Recognize. Then i investigate where its coming from? Well i like to work i like to go to work get out of the house, keep busy, make some money and so on. But its temporary. Maybe another job will come up during this time doing something else or maybe i will create one. But i know i dont need to worry and fret about it. Im thankful i get government support when unemployed so financially can keep going.

While i wasent much for socializing in the way others maybe do there was some things that i had started to enjoy.Going to one AA meeting a week had become something of a routine and something i found solace in. I find it comforting to find other people did and behaved in similar ways with no control over it..I have tried an AA online just once but i didnt enjoy it so clicked out of the meeting.I feel socially awkward even online it seems. However i tried it once and and maybe the meeting just wasent for me and so i will try one again and maybe it will work out fine.

Every Monday for the past 13 months ive been gong to somatic therapy. This has helped me stay sober and to love and respect myself at a whole new level. Its been the most hard work but the most worthwhile. Its been body changing and life affirming. I no longer see or feel myself in the same light. So last week i was meant to have my first session online but i was sick so didn’t feel i had the energy for it. This week il try again.Sure i have fear around it working.Around being able to be fully present in my body online but if i dont try then i will lose out and the flow that was worked so hard for may be lost until who knows when.

Life has never been more so about adjusting and even more so about accepting. For the past 14 months during sobriety i have tried so much to live life only in the day.To be sober and not take a drink or drug just for today. And now i feel everyone is having a lesson in this. Sure routines and work and more are all spun on there heads. And we dont know for how long. But its collective. Now some may chose to turn to drink or drugs at this time but for me that choice would be detrimental. When all this eases i want to still be sober.I want to have not picked up a drink.

So i have added some new routines. I make sure i write in diary everyday for a t least 10 mins free flow. I’ve started online QIQong and i love it. The ease and flow of it really suits me and if you have not heard of it or tried it please do. A friend of mine does meditation online every eve at 7pm and i join that when i can… I dont do these things for doing something. Because i firmly believe in doing nothing also and i dont believe that doing nothing is lazy. WE all must look after our mental health in whatever way works for us. I do them because i can. I have a home thats safe. Electricity and internet that allows me too. I have so much to be thankful for.

Its important for me to make some things during theses times that are not different that are sure,certain and known. Daily.

Thanks for reading and stay well.