Coming Home

Just 16 days into my sobriety I reached out to a somatic therapist whose small flyer I saw at the place I worked at the time. It was on the notice board that I placed many posters on and took many down myself and well never noticed it before!!
It amazes me how quickly I reached out. From the flyer which was more like what you might imagine being an osteopath advert(it included a picture of a spine) I just felt this would be for me. A different kind of therapy than the usual talk kind.
One month and one day after giving up alcohol nicotine and weed, I went to my first session. And I’ve been going weekly ever since.
I believe I am a testament to therapy working. And I believe in this kind of therapy being so so beneficial for those who have suffered trauma.
I had a huge revelation lately that I wanted to share here and it was this.
When I was young it felt like something bad was inflicted upon me and it got stuck someplace in my body.. it manifested in various ways but mostly in ways of me feeling bad about myself through no fault of my own. This is not just something I feel, I know others who have been abused may identify with it also.
I have never been able to put it into such words before alas because I feel like it came from a place of feeling into my power. Sitting right into that strength in my own body feeling. Which is very new to me despite how I may appear to carry myself!
You see I am letting all that shit go, all that bad. It was never mine to carry around and carry for so so long. It has not and is not a decision I came to as in”I have decided to let it go and therefore I can”!
If only it was that simple then it would be long gone!!
No, my freedom is coming from the very thing that the trauma was done against and felt stuck in. My freedom is coming from my own body and my own power.
Not my mind from lack of thoughts or from time healing anything nope…But from my body where I feel and felt everything. I can finally say well shout actually fucking ROAR even
“I am coming home” to myself AND my body feels like it is becoming a WHOLE body again. Not cut off anymore.
The hard work is paying off. The uncomfortableness, squirminess, shamefulness, the sitting it out and reaching right down into it and not fucking running away is paying off. The hours spent on the sofa the hours spent driving with a dread in my belly sometimes to and from is paying off!
Loving myself and embracing myself through this process has been the biggest test. When all the ugly truths came up and continue to come up, staying with it is so so tough. But I am learning it’s possible and worth it.
I am very lucky and very thankful to have found my therapist. A safe person and a safe space. I can truly be myself in tears or in laughter and not feel judged in any way. My higher power has truly provided for me. I wish this for everyone who is searching for a therapist right now and I wish you so so well on your journey.
Thank you for reading and keep shining.🙏🌈💞

Love this quote ❤
Be patient with you💞

Two Years Free!!

My sober 45 year old self!

So today its two years now since I quit alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana too!
When I read other people days,months and years I’m always so amazed and like WOW that’s a lot of days together. But when I see mine in my app I’m not so amazed and in awe! I’m not sure why but I have some ideas. Us Irish and maybe not just the Irish are not good at celebrating their achievements and taking praise or compliments. For example when someone comments on an item of clothing we brush it off and say “ah sure it was only cheap from such and such a shop”!!
I feel like Catholic Ireland has always taught me and us that pride is a sin!! So maybe that’s why I find it difficult to feel pride in myself.
But what does feeling proud of oneself feel like? What is the sensation in the body?
A month into my recovery like I’ve written before I found myself a therapist to work with. Not a talk therapist but a somatic one. So I try describe sensations in the body..So for me, pride feels like light. Its a feeling of being relaxed in my body,warm and spacious. Being sober also gives me these feelings. Drinking made me heavy inside and a feeling of being suffocated. So did smoking but I think that’s more to do with the fact I was suffocating my lungs. Today I can certainly say I am breathing more easily.

Two years in one day at a time I have not found it all easy going no. I’ve had to get real and dig deep into all the stuff I numbed with my addictions..This is an ongoing process and necessary one. Layers exist. Sometimes layers exist around the same issue and when I think I have dealt with something enough, another layer will become clear. This is the showing up. This is the driving weekly to therapy a 90 min round trip. I am thankful for this journey. It has given me so so much, some of which I will share now.

I have a 12 step programme. One that’s tried tested and works if it’s worked at! I find this extremely beneficial as the way the 12 Steps are structured gives me a purpose. Also means I now have a sponsor whom I can ask to help me with the programme. Step 8 is “made a list of all persons we had harmed,and became willing to make ammends. This is important to me. To my recovery and peace of mind. As are all 12 steps…

I have a hangover free body and mind every single morning I wake up. I am not sick with drink anymore ever. This is one of my favourite things about being sober. I was sick of feeling sick. Now I’m free in myself..its the biggest reward.

I have and am attempting to pay my debt. It feels wonderful to be able to pay bills on time. It feels wonderful to be able to treat myself and my loved ones. Before I would always have a choice to make, pay the bill or part of it and fund my addiction. That does not happen now.

I’m not running away anymore. Before I ran away alot. Now I try my best to face everything. Not all at once but little by little step by step… being vulnerable is a strength. Not a weakness.

At the start of therapy, it was suggested i gather things together that i like to do that are beneficial. I draw on these resources when i need them which is daily.
They have kept me sober and sane.
Swimming is one of them and now with the pool closed for Level 5, I will have to use other resources. Unless i want to swim in the very cold lake!!!
That’s life in pandemic times. We don’t know what will happen next but I know I have many resources to draw upon. This writing being another one. Which I don’t need anything for really. A pen and paper I guess and a laptop and internet if I want to share via my blog.

Walking is another one and thankfully can still do that. Sadly without my beloved Star who I miss every day still. She was a joy giver, especially on walks with her stick carrying antics! Walking can be so boring now!! So I’ve got myself a pair of Bluetooth headphones and started listening to podcasts or music. This helps me. Star is still with us always in our hearts never to be forgotten. So lucky to have had a dog so perfect!!

Reading would be another resource I use daily. I do like to read other peoples stories on how they got and stayed sober. Some of my favourites are: The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Grey, Recovery by Russell Brand and Glorious Rock Bottom by Bryony Gordon.
I also read The Big Book from AA and The Twelve Steps and 12 Traditions.
I will read whatever I find hopeful and helpful so it’s varied and wide!!
And of course, I read other stuff too that is not about not drinking!! Untamed By Glennon Doyle was a recent favourite and I highly reccomend it.

Another resource I want to write about is meditation.
This one helps me the most. It takes me back to the here and now. It takes me to my breath to the oneness of stillness. Quiets the mind and makes me feel still and full of calmness throughout my whole body.
I use a free app called Insight Timer and would highly recommend it. So much goodness contained in one app!! I need to meditate daily. Some days I don’t but when I do it daily,it only adds to my day. It is true for meditation what they also say about swimming “you never regret it”!!

Finally seeing and hearing other peoples journeys is so encouraging to me. Without other people sharing their own story I’m not sure I would be getting through mine. So for those on their journeys and casting out their light, I thank you so so much. You are an inspiration to me and I see you!!

This is one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite authors Brene Brown which feels appropriate here.

“If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback. There are a million cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never be brave with their own lives, but will spend every ounce of energy they have hurling advice and judgement at those of us trying to dare greatly. Their only contributions are criticism, cynicism, and fear-mongering. If you’re criticizing from a place where you’re not also putting yourself on the line, I’m not interested in your feedback”

One day at a time. They will and do all add up.

Keep shining.🙏🌈💖

Walking in the Jauary sunshine!
My favourite prayer