800 Days!!!!

Today we celebrate our patron Saint of Ireland St.Patrick!
However we are still under a level 5 lockdown so will be no actual parades, no drinking in pubs and so on.
Not drinking in a pandemic is hard. So today is just another day for me. It is hard because as is the same for most people all the normal things in life do not exist right now like work, travelling to see family, seeing friends, going to the gym or swim. All the supports that had been put in place. So other supports have had to be found to stay sober.
Breaking up has also been so so hard. Still feeling and going through the pain of that right now. And what I’ve found I can do about it is nothing. Like everything else just have to go through it. What I have had to remind myself is my feelings are valid. I tend to sometimes lessen my feelings because in this situation it was my choice. But it doesn’t matter, the pain and the hurt is no greater or less. It cannot be measured. I have to forgive myself and feel all the feelings surrounding this loss and not pick up a drink.
I have thought about alcohol more than ever. It is the numbing effect I crave. I have had to choose daily to stay sober. Remind me of all the hard work that I have done to get here. Here being to know me this much, to know myself in this body and not to hate it. I read recently “your body is your ally build it up don’t knock it down and treat it with kindness”

I have now had 800 days in a row of no drink, drugs or nicotine. Even if I do sometimes think about drinking this really is the best life. My best life. I really love being sober and present. The feelings might be tough at times but the benefits far outweigh the challenges.

I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy recently with my inner child. Letting them know they are safe now. Taking their hand walking, sometimes carrying them through past trauma. I never realised how vital this work is until now. I guess it is mothering my inner child maybe befriending them too. It maybe sounds cliched to some and that’s okay. But for me its work I need to do to stay sober, to feel safe, to live fully in my body. I have now been going to somatic therapy for two years. Probably over 100 sessions! That’s dedication! Mostly I want to go, although last week I did not. Sometimes showing up to do the work is exhausting and I feel a bit resentful. So I show up and tell my therapist this and cry and get it out. And I don’t always feel better afterwards but I always feel like I’ve worked on something that has needed time. And in therapy, it is the time its the one hour a week I can be so so vulnerable and safe. I’m thankful to have found a great therapist that I can safely do the work with. How precious.

Taking my child by the hand..

I’m meditating daily and I do still try to do a 5km a day walk. Both help me so so much to stay grounded, mindful, thankful for all I have, healthy and to breathe more easily. I have also done a lot of nothing in the past week. I have had to be still and just feel it all. Sometimes this is the hardest thing and sometimes I’m self-critical and tell myself to get up and get out and stop crying!! However, we can NOT pick and chose when we feel grief and for what(it could be really old like intergenerational for example) It’s so important to be gentle with ourselvesโ€ฆ Grief comes like waves. It does not care about how much time has passed…
I hope as you read this YOU are well and thank you for reading.

Keep Shining๐Ÿ™๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ’š

Learning to swim

Walking Amidst the Trees

The Struggle Is Real.

Getting sober is one thing but staying sober is another.

And staying sober during a pandemic is another

Right now I’m finding it tough.
I have had many urges to get wasted recently.
I have cried myself to sleep with the pain of grief and letting go.
I am healing and its hard and vulnerable.
Part of me does want to run away and numb it all you know?

When the majority of people think someone is so hero-like, but to you they where someone who hurt you, that is so tough.
My truth is not reflected back to me.


This requires so much self-love and care. To NOT take it on board and NOT feel shame and blame around it.
And in those times I do feel shame and blame around it to just feel it, allow it and process it.

In therapy, it feels like going over the same stuff sometimes. The same trauma. However, it is different because of its different layers and each time I am trusting my body more and more. It knows what to do and what it needs to do. Somatic work is huge and I continue to learn what it means each time I show up.
So much letting go recently in my life and its challenging and feels raw.

I just checked on my app and today its 780 days of not drinking or smoking anything. It is a huge achievement. And one I needed to read just now.
I can’t go to a real AA meeting in person but I know I need to go to an online one. Pull in on all the resources that I still have available.
I’m writing this for those struggling today. I am too.
And I see you and all I can say is just hold on for today because that is what I’m going to do.
My truth and my voice(just like yours) are just as important now as then when I couldn’t speak up and out.
I am learning and growing in my power amid all the tears and pain, healing is happening.

I am thankful to have the Fairy Woods close.
Today.

Thanks for reading

*Keep Shining* ๐Ÿ™๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ’–

11 months into it…!

My Favorite quote right now

This quote is whats happening in my life right now.

When i read this quote before i didn’t really get it to be honest. But now i get it.

I feel like to remain small and silent and quiet is the more painful option and its the option i have been choosing most of my adult life. The tight in a bud was safe and i could drink and get high and not really deal with the trauma in my body at all.

Im not even sure i was aware of the trauma still in my body maybe i just thought it was my mind that was affected.

Ive being seeing a somatic therapist now for almost 10 months. One month into my recovery i sought about finding a therapist and thankfully i found someone willing to work with me. Having the space of an hour per week is so important to my recovery.More important than i could have ever imagined.

Somatic therapy is so difficult and so healing all at the same time. Its for me about holding the space for my body to feel what its feeling and not run away from it and not escape in anyway. It is truly trans-formative.

No its not easy.But no one ever told me it would be. And im not saying that either.

It will be a long process. I have a lot stored up needing release.Its the most difficult work i have ever done. I am hopeful it will continue to be the most rewarding also.

I live in a country where the norm is to drink, sometimes daily.That was my routine too.

So when hard stuff is happening now in my life a part of me automatically wants to reach for a drink a joint or a cigarette. That was the norm. To drink alone or with others socially.So yes its hard and the past 11 months have been a process of healing and a huge process of not turning back to habits and not giving in.

Apart from therapy i love being out in nature and i feel really blessed that i live in Ireland for all the wonderful nature that surrounds me. The lakes and woods and sea and more.Sure its cold now and rain a lot but i still get out in it.Its so refreshing to be in it and just be.Not be on the way to any place or wanting to be done so i can come home or go someplace for a drink!

Christmas is just around the corner and its going to be new to be sober! Im excited and a bit weary at the same time. I havent figured out what im doing yet.I know this much:whatever i do it will be to look after my sobriety first and foremost.That’s not being selfish its being real and true.

Its what it takes for me to blossom.

Yesterday i shaved all my hair off. Its feels like a fuck you to a struggle that’s been going on inside of myself. It feels like reclaiming a part of my power that i needed to and coming out of bud! I love how new it feels!

Keep shining all of you and thanks for reading!