…its now been 10 months or 304 days since i gave up alcohol,marijuana and nicotine.I make a conscious decision everyday that i wont drink or get high today. Some days its really difficult and i have to draw on all the things i know to be true.Which goes something like this:
By myself i am powerless over my addiction.Many times i tried by my own will to stop and each time i failed.Admitting that to myself was the first step and it is the first step every single day 10 months on.
Other peoples opinions on my addiction do not matter to me.Those who consider this a lifestyle choice and a whatever makes you happy choice do not understand.And thats ok with me. I will continue to share my journey how i chose too,privately publicly or other. There is no shame in sharing my story and by sharing it maybe someone else will admit to themselves they have a problem and are powerless to control it.
10 months ago i had 4 jobs. All part time and none of which i truly loved.One of them was cleaning a pub on a Monday morning. I emptied ashtrays and mopped beer stained floors.I did this because it paid me 30euro and one month after getting sober i started therapy and it paid for some of it. Today i have one job.Its work but i do love it. Im proud to be a chef,to send out soft poached eggs every single time. To know that the cheese is proper melted on the sandwich.!!!To serve food that i would happily pay for!!!
Everything is real now that im not escaping/numbing.Sure sometimes that is overwhelming but sometimes the overwhelm is because of the most wonderful laughter with another person.Or looking across a lake when the rain clears and a beautiful rainbow fills the sky. Feeling that joy is new to me. Before i was so caught up in getting home to have a glass a wine or a joint. I was consumed with consuming and not being present in the moment. Now i get to be present and its wonderful more times than not.
Therapy has saved me from relapsing and i recommend it to everyone.A month into my sobriety i found myself a somatic therapist. This kind of therapy differs from talk therapy in that it focuses on releasing any trauma we may have held onto from the body. Its been life changing in so many ways. No its not easy. Yes sometimes i want to leave and go drink to numb what has come up to numb the ugly feeling in myself. But so far i have not.This way of life is for me and i do not ever want to go back.
What i have found in people and in this way of life far outweighs anything i have lost. When i drank i always told myself tomorrow i will stop and tomorrow was always another excuse.When i go to AA meeting i hear other peoples stories and its exactly the same.When i went to a meeting 10 months ago all i could do was cry because i heard myself in everyone and i was glad to be there. Yes it was so hard to walk through the doors alone but once i went inside i was not alone anymore.And thats how it is now to this day.Sure friendships have changed and some have gone away because alcohol was the only thing we had in common!! But thats ok. Ive realsied that my sobriety has to be the most important thing in my life..not the 2nd or 3rd the 1st.Everyday.
“To thine own self be true”
I have my own higher power that is personal to me. And everyday i ask for help to stay sober to stay true and kind. I say the serenity prayer daily because its simple and stays with me. …To Accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can…
So i hope reading this, whatever journey your own you own it and claim it as yours..and if its not for you than change it..its only one day and that’s today. That’s all we have so make it count!!
Let the light in and shine it back out!