One Day At a Time.. Especially Now!!

Been an age since i last wrote here and felt inspired with everything going on right now. Well mainly with this pandemic. Every thing feels different,unsure, uncertain, unknown right?

Right now im glad i have 14 months sobriety and mostly i feel strong in myself emotionally, mentally and physically. If i began to think about all the unknowns around this pandemic than sure my head will spin out of control and go down an unhealthy rabbit hole.That does not mean i dont give myself the space to fell what im feeling i just try to do so in my body and not my mind. For example am i fearful of not being able to work for a while due to the cafes and so on all being closed? Yes i feel fear around it and so i allow it. Recognize. Then i investigate where its coming from? Well i like to work i like to go to work get out of the house, keep busy, make some money and so on. But its temporary. Maybe another job will come up during this time doing something else or maybe i will create one. But i know i dont need to worry and fret about it. Im thankful i get government support when unemployed so financially can keep going.

While i wasent much for socializing in the way others maybe do there was some things that i had started to enjoy.Going to one AA meeting a week had become something of a routine and something i found solace in. I find it comforting to find other people did and behaved in similar ways with no control over it..I have tried an AA online just once but i didnt enjoy it so clicked out of the meeting.I feel socially awkward even online it seems. However i tried it once and and maybe the meeting just wasent for me and so i will try one again and maybe it will work out fine.

Every Monday for the past 13 months ive been gong to somatic therapy. This has helped me stay sober and to love and respect myself at a whole new level. Its been the most hard work but the most worthwhile. Its been body changing and life affirming. I no longer see or feel myself in the same light. So last week i was meant to have my first session online but i was sick so didn’t feel i had the energy for it. This week il try again.Sure i have fear around it working.Around being able to be fully present in my body online but if i dont try then i will lose out and the flow that was worked so hard for may be lost until who knows when.

Life has never been more so about adjusting and even more so about accepting. For the past 14 months during sobriety i have tried so much to live life only in the day.To be sober and not take a drink or drug just for today. And now i feel everyone is having a lesson in this. Sure routines and work and more are all spun on there heads. And we dont know for how long. But its collective. Now some may chose to turn to drink or drugs at this time but for me that choice would be detrimental. When all this eases i want to still be sober.I want to have not picked up a drink.

So i have added some new routines. I make sure i write in diary everyday for a t least 10 mins free flow. I’ve started online QIQong and i love it. The ease and flow of it really suits me and if you have not heard of it or tried it please do. A friend of mine does meditation online every eve at 7pm and i join that when i can… I dont do these things for doing something. Because i firmly believe in doing nothing also and i dont believe that doing nothing is lazy. WE all must look after our mental health in whatever way works for us. I do them because i can. I have a home thats safe. Electricity and internet that allows me too. I have so much to be thankful for.

Its important for me to make some things during theses times that are not different that are sure,certain and known. Daily.

Thanks for reading and stay well.

11 months into it…!

My Favorite quote right now

This quote is whats happening in my life right now.

When i read this quote before i didn’t really get it to be honest. But now i get it.

I feel like to remain small and silent and quiet is the more painful option and its the option i have been choosing most of my adult life. The tight in a bud was safe and i could drink and get high and not really deal with the trauma in my body at all.

Im not even sure i was aware of the trauma still in my body maybe i just thought it was my mind that was affected.

Ive being seeing a somatic therapist now for almost 10 months. One month into my recovery i sought about finding a therapist and thankfully i found someone willing to work with me. Having the space of an hour per week is so important to my recovery.More important than i could have ever imagined.

Somatic therapy is so difficult and so healing all at the same time. Its for me about holding the space for my body to feel what its feeling and not run away from it and not escape in anyway. It is truly trans-formative.

No its not easy.But no one ever told me it would be. And im not saying that either.

It will be a long process. I have a lot stored up needing release.Its the most difficult work i have ever done. I am hopeful it will continue to be the most rewarding also.

I live in a country where the norm is to drink, sometimes daily.That was my routine too.

So when hard stuff is happening now in my life a part of me automatically wants to reach for a drink a joint or a cigarette. That was the norm. To drink alone or with others socially.So yes its hard and the past 11 months have been a process of healing and a huge process of not turning back to habits and not giving in.

Apart from therapy i love being out in nature and i feel really blessed that i live in Ireland for all the wonderful nature that surrounds me. The lakes and woods and sea and more.Sure its cold now and rain a lot but i still get out in it.Its so refreshing to be in it and just be.Not be on the way to any place or wanting to be done so i can come home or go someplace for a drink!

Christmas is just around the corner and its going to be new to be sober! Im excited and a bit weary at the same time. I havent figured out what im doing yet.I know this much:whatever i do it will be to look after my sobriety first and foremost.That’s not being selfish its being real and true.

Its what it takes for me to blossom.

Yesterday i shaved all my hair off. Its feels like a fuck you to a struggle that’s been going on inside of myself. It feels like reclaiming a part of my power that i needed to and coming out of bud! I love how new it feels!

Keep shining all of you and thanks for reading!